Idols & Integrity

Years ago before I got serious about my faith I carried a number of false gods on the throne of my heart. One was the god of cruising sailboats. I grew up around boats and learned to sail and to be a boatman. But I coveted the boats of others who had boats larger and “nicer" than the ones available to me and I built an altar in my heart to a 30 foot sailboat.

The throne of our heart is a battleground and the true and living God will share it with nothing and no one. Money, power, success, toys, sex, pleasure, even family must come second to God – or He will have no part of us. I didn’t make this up – it’s in the Bible. In fact, read the second commandment closely (Exodus 20:4) to find that God considers any idol on the throne of our heart other than Him as a major affront and an act of hate toward Him. The second commandment is, in fact, rather lengthy on the subject.

God will not be fooled. He knows our heart even if we don’t. We cannot simply worship him with our mouths and serve another (2Kings17:41, Isaiah 29:13).

He is a jealous God – thank God. He loves us and pursues us like a jealous lover; He is the ‘Hound of Heaven’. Does He allow for money, power, success, toys, even sex and pleasure? Of course He does and He delights in our pleasure in them - in their proper place and perspective. And family, of course He loves family and the idea of family and He wishes for us to have and to be loved by family – in their proper place and perspective. But He must be first – and all these other things He will add.

I remember the day my wife and I with our young children drove from the marina where we had just signed the purchase agreement on a 30 foot racer/cruiser sailboat. I remember it very well. I was bursting with pride ... I had arrived! My idol, my golden calf, was on its throne at last!

We bought that boat with money we didn’t have and took care of it with money we didn’t have. But the lenders and the credit cards didn’t complain or advise against. I named the boat “Integrity”. As I think back on it, the name was more a statement or maybe an attempt to seize the word for myself as the label for my life ... a noble gesture. The boat was older and needed work and I threw myself into the task with singular purpose to make my emblem of success as shiny as possible. Rain or shine, wind or no wind, we used that boat. We launched it in early April and hauled it out after Thanksgiving to maximize the sailing season. We sailed in storm and calm. I made us a slave to it, to justify its expense and what it meant to me. It sat firmly in the throne of my heart and became its dictator.

"Integrity" under sail on Narragansett Bay

That boat never loved me and though I referred to it as “her” and "she” our love affair was one-sided and quite impersonal. Truth be told, I was rarely myself on that boat. I was on edge and anxious most of the time. My temper was not my own there and I snapped at my wife and children often in the heat of an “important” maneuver or situation. I had no patience there. Nothing met my expectations of perfection, my expectations of this idol I had so worshipped in my mind. We would sail to a destination and as soon as we were anchored and secure my mind was racing for the next thing to do to justify and satisfy this idol. So I would busy myself with a task or sedate my angst with alcohol in the spirit of seafaring. I would lay awake in my bed on stormy nights wide-eyed wondering if I had secured “her” proper. The next day I would drag myself down to the marina before work to satisfy my anxiety and adjust the lines and fenders – after the fact.

It is true that the best two days of a boat owner’s life are the day he purchases and the day he sells his boat – at least in my case. It is also true that a boat is indeed like a hole in the water into which one throws money. The cost had become too much and the work to maintain her in the image of the idol I had crafted in my mind was endless. Selling her was a frantic effort and I let her go for far less than my heart believed she was worth. The new owner didn’t seem to appreciate anything about her – all the intimate details of her. I gave her away never having truly owned her – she had owned me.

Many years after I had sold that boat I came across a classified ad for a boat described very much like mine. The ad even listed the name of the boat: “Integrity”. My heart leaped like the heart of a lover for a lost love and I took the drive to the boatyard in the listing. There she was propped up in the corner of the yard. I almost didn’t find her. I almost didn’t recognize her. She looked awful and surprisingly small.

Her subsequent owners had taken poor care of her. Vestiges of improvements I had made and details I had invested in her were weathered, tarnished and decaying. My heart was wrenched to see it – this idol I had so worshipped – so shoddy and forgotten - set aside to this forgotten corner of the yard where the boats that are not likely to sell - or abandoned - are stored. Even the name on the transom was faded. Integrity, just a word. This vessel did not reflect its name. She called to me to rescue her and for a fleeting moment I thought I might. But she had no hold on me anymore and I saw her for what she was and I turned away. I had a different perspective.

Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate the lines of a beautifully sculpted sailboat and I love the feel of the surging swells under a hull humming along on a brisk broad reach. Oh I do so love that! I believe that God wants me to enjoy that too – in its proper place and in perspective. For the time being He has me busy with other things and so I will wait patiently until that time, if it comes. What is more important now is that “this” earthen vessel be labeled “Integrity”.   

~ "He who walks with integrity walks securely." ~

 Proverbs 10:9

All the best!

Bill